What is a father?
First, he Is the companion to your mother. For most of us, they come as a pair, each with different strengths and weaknesses. When one is not present, “your parents” becomes a less perfect set, a less perfect set than each of us might have been used to. If you never knew your father, then your mother had to fill both positions, which could have been good or bad, but that isn’t the situation I’m speaking to.
My father, like most fathers, wasn’t perfect. Clearly, he made mistakes. There were bad judgment calls I’m still learning about. He could, at times, have a temper. There were times when he was intolerant of others (usually with good reason).
Yet, he was MY FATHER. Yes, I had 7 siblings, to whom he was also a father. And I fully expect that they too, could write a similar story. But I’m not them and my relationship to George William Gardner is mine and mine alone.
Second, my father was one of the two guides in my life. For a father to be a guide, there must be some commonality between father and child. There must be a reason to spend time together. There must be time for the child to watch the father in infinite detail. Because it is in the details where the child mimics their parents yet also develops their own skills and personalities. If the child is watching from afar, with little time in the details, then the lessons learned will be distorted, incomplete, and perhaps imaginary.
Third, my father imparted skills to me. How to handle a paintbrush to neatly and efficiently apply paint (never using masking tape). I learned how to glaze windows. How to build things out of wood. How to tune up cars. How to fix broken appliances. How TV’s work. The basics of electronic – and so much more.
Fourth, my father wasn’t just imprinting skills on my brain. His training wasn’t setting me up for a life as a handyman. I was learning the value of work. I was learning that basic skills put me in control of at least some of the “world around me”. I was setting goals for myself – such as I was, as a ten-year-old, setting my life goal to be an Electrical Engineer. I saw that Dad valued people who had skills and used them and didn’t value people whose skill was so narrowly focused that they could add a title in front of their name, but couldn’t change a flat tire if their life depended on it. Dad also taught me to think, logically, through problems. “Why did this machine not work?” “How do we debug it?” “How could it have been made better, so it did not break?”
This story is about Dad, but Mom deserves a paragraph at least. Mom imparted a whole different set of skills, yet not completely unlike Dad either. I would spend Saturday morning working with Dad outside, then go inside and help Mom make a hundred loaves of bread. She taught me how to darn, how to knit, and how to remain committed to family even in the most difficult situations. I am my father’s son, but I also carry a piece of Mom in my soul as well.
Fifth, I also learned some bad habits from Dad. Maybe it’s just DNA, as some family members are inclined to say: “Gardner’s are just………”, whitewashing us all with the same brush. And I do believe there is some truth to that. I also believe we all can change, but I can tell you that from personal experience, it’s damned difficult to change some things that were ingrained for 20 years and perhaps before birth. Dad grew up in the Great Depression. I’m sure he made difficult choices, for those he loved and he certainly worked his ass off all his life providing for and supporting his family.
So, what is a Father? A teacher. I guidepost through life’s difficult choices, even long after he is gone. Someone to work shoulder to shoulder with when there was a hard job to do. Someone who said what needed to be said, yet also taught by example without a word. He was never about politics. He did favor one person over another because of their policies, but never because of the color of their banners. As a “good catholic”, he supported his family’s participation, but I also know first-hand that he never spared a priest his disdain when they couldn’t think or act logically or show even the most basic life skills outside of the pulpit.
A Father isn’t the façade some religious fanatic portrays using bible quotes. A Father if you had one, is your Father. Even if you didn’t, his absence also formed who you would become. Never mind everyone else trying to tell you “What a Father is.”
mike